Ode to a Home Performance Contractor

Our own managing editor Jim Gunshinan has had a sideline for many years now; he is a stellar poet. He's honored a few of us here at the office by sharing a poem or two over the years. This has prompted us to nudge him towards sharing something with our Home Energy readers: He's finally done it, and you're in for treat!
—Maggie Forti, Office Manager

Ode to a Home Performance Contractor

My name is House. I stood before you empty

and foreclosed upon. Despite the spray foam and

the dense pack, there was thermal bridging. I took

little comfort in my rain screen

and ceaselessly prayed on my knee wall.

From stem wall to ridge vent

I bled heat. In the winter there were ice dams.

Damn ice! Damn ice dams!

Then, my albedo meant nothing.  

It helped only the clouds, if there were clouds.

The carbon of my despair

raised Earth’s temperature. This is real

you deniers, you Sons of Birches!

Simpson Strong Tie you up! Chinese drywall you!

Dust mite smite you! I wish you

exacerbated asthma and frequent trips

to the Emergency Room for your primary care.

As the snow melt poured into my gutters

there was no gentle slope away

from my foundation, no proper

drainage and the dew point was above

ambient temperature. I can’t handle

the moisture. Oh the mold!

Oh the humidity!

But you came with your blower door

and your Duct Blaster; your flow hood

and infrared camera. My love,

you sealed my bypasses, dressed my walls

in R-38. You completed

both my pressure and my thermal boundaries.

You established my drainage plane

and taught me to dry to the outside.

You taught me passive survivability.

We don’t need no stinking grid!

You charged the batteries

in my CO monitors.

You ravished me

with your thorough energy audit.

You had me

at Recommended Measures.